Many relationship misunderstandings have to do with “catching” your partner at the wrong moment.
Right timing is essential when you want to reach each other.
Let’s take an example:
You are a woman and you realize during the day that you miss doing fun things with your partner.
In fact you decided that it would be a good idea to take off on a holiday together.
Your partner is at work and you are truly excited about this idea and decide to tell him straight away.
You pick up the phone and dial his cell number.
At that exact moment, he just came out of a challenging meeting. He is pretty upset because what he was told by his associates means more burden and work load for him in the future.
He is digesting all that when he hears his cell.
That’s you!
You are excited and can’t wait to share this idea with him.
He is upset and ready to pick on anyone who asks him for anything more.
With cheerfulness, you present your plan.
His answer?
Not at all what you expected!
In fact he seems totally bothered by it.
Within an instant, your level of enthusiasm goes from a pick to a dump. Instead of dropping it, you tell him something like:
You - “You know what? A couple of years ago, we used to travel and do so many fun things. I ask you one thing and you can’t even be happy about it and say yes, just for once! I came with that idea and you know what, it was the last time!!! Next, I’ll ask one of my girl friends when I want to have some fun, or even better… I’ll give a call to Paul, my ex… Remember? He’s the one who took me on this cruise for my birthday…”
You can imagine what happens next…
Fights! Arguments! Endless tensions!
What the *$!!##!! happened?
This is not at all what you had in mind!
Is this a distorted example of reality?
I don’t think so.
These types of situations happen to millions of couples every day.
This couple I describe is a good match.
In fact, they are quite happy.
What is missing is this simple skill: being able to communicate in an effective way.
And in this specific example, timing is the key!
You realize of course that this whole cell phone fight could have been easily avoided.
Here are two strategies that would have prevented this escalation.
- Strategy number 1 - Wait for the right moment
When someone is at work, their mind is usually busy with something else. Discussing relationship plans, future or issues when they are dealing with business is not a good idea at all.
Wait!
In this example, imagine what happens if in the evening, when you are eating together, you say something like:
You - “Steve, there is an idea I would love to share with you… I know you had a long day…”
Him - "No, it's alright. What's your idea?"
Next, you can simply share your idea in an open way.
- Strategy number 2 - Ask for permission
If you call him at work on his cell, start the conversation with:
You - “Is this the right moment to talk? Or are you very busy? I have an idea… Something I would like to share with you…”
Him - “Well… I just came out of a meeting and I have to rush finish this report, can it wait till this evening?”
You - “Sure, I understand. I’ll tell you later when you get home. Good luck with this report. Love you…”
There is a way of getting your message through. You know that.
Be smart and tell them at the right time, when they are actually receptive.
This is such a vast topic. We could go on and on with examples.
For instance, think about the kind of things you or your partner might say just after sex.
Imagine as well the tensions which can rise just because one of you mentions a challenging topic in front of your friends.
The list of good or bad timings is endless.
Remember this simple connection boosting strategy: Right timing!
Here are some examples of bad timing for discussing key relationship issues or challenges:
- Just before you or him leave for work.
- In the car on the way to a party.
- When your children need attention.
- When you can be interrupted by cell phone or neighbor ringing
at the door. - Before you go to sleep.
- When you are out on a date together.
- In public places.
- When you or him are relaxing or having a break.
- Etc
Do you recognize any of these?
Why are these bad timings?
Because you might catch each other off guard and there is not enough space to actually solve or discuss an issue in depth.
So, what are good timings?
- When you planned ahead for it.
- When you turn off your cell phones and know you won’t be disturbed at least for the next 30 minutes.
- In the evening when your children are asleep.
- When you asked permission from each other to talk about a sensitive issue.
- When you are both in a good mood.
- When you are not worried about other issues.
- When you truly have energy or ideas to do something about it.
- Etc.
Right timing makes all the difference when trying to break through a key relationship challenge or telling your partner something important.
Make it a habit to create a special moment when you are both truly available.
If you face a key challenge, rather than talking about it every day, take 30 minutes to discuss it and then drop it.
If something stays unsolved, promise each other to talk again about this issue a few days later.
If it’s not something urgent, having a chat about it once a week works usually really well.
If the issue you face requires urgent attention (dead line, key choices, etc) give each other 3 or 4 days between two discussions.
You need them to refresh and come up with new ideas.
By the way, these ideas work for men and women both ways. Earlier, I took the example of a woman trying to reach her partner.
Of course, roles can be shifted and be applied to guys trying to reach their partner as well.
This “right timing skill” is a relationship savior.
If you use it wisely, it allows you to communicate effectively with your partner.
http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm
To your couple!
vitalcoach