Hi, my problem is that I understand and am open to all your views on happiness and each day I continue to make efforts to conquer my fears and go for what I want... bit by bit literally.
Unfortunately, because of my disturbing family experiences, I cant seem to shake this deeply embedded feeling that I'm just so ugly and hideous and really not worth the effort...often I find it incredibly painful to even look at myself in the mirror... I know how awful it is to say and see such terrible things in one self and I would never say it to my worst enemy...
But the problem is when I force myself to talk positive to myself, it never lasts long and I often don't even believe myself... When others compliment me, I always accept them but secretly and deep down I just feel people are simply trying to be kind or maybe they have ulterior motives... Ie they want something from me.
This leaves me feeling incredibly isolated and lonely and often deeply sad... I still keep working on myself and attempt to connect with others and I never give up... I tell myself that my fears and beliefs are just lies from the past, that I'm not as bad as I think, that I'm not disgusting or gross ( harsh I know) but my self belief is very tenuous and gets shattered at the slightest thing.
It takes a superhuman effort for me to maintain my self belief... It really does. Sometimes I am successful but my core is still weak I think... I guess I'm writing because I am so so tired of being stuck in this dark lonely world and I want so much to get out of it...
I am 30 and have never had a partner in my life, have never shared my passions with anyone, my family has never supported me and I want so much for a family of my own but have never dared to connect truly and genuinely with others and I feel so sad about it...
It's what I want more than anything in the world but it utterly terrifies me at the same time ... I just don't know how to believe that anyone would want to be with me.
There's a chap who I really like very much but I don't know what to do... I couldn't face the rejection... I've asked guys out in the past, not many, but there have been times that I've gone for it and thought: "come on girl you can do it! etc etc" which was great. But each time I was met with horrible rejection... And then of course it just confirms my worst fears about myself...
And nothing I do seems to lift me... and you would never know this when you look at me because I present such a confident go-getting active persona which I am in many ways (sorry to sound confusing) but at the same time is a broken heart hidden inside of me for all the years of loneliness and emptiness.
I just want a bit of comfort and genuine joy in my life. I just want a true soul partner to share all of my love with... Gosh I hope I don't sound too mad...
Any advice would be deeply appreciated. Thank you a million!
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Answer
Hi and thank you for sharing your story so openly.
You are right in so many ways with what you say and the words you use.
It's true: Self confidence and inner strength are related with an inner core of emotional stability.
I have been looking at this issue a lot within myself and in others over the last 10 years and discovered that what is missing is simply power. It's a very simple quality.
This core of power is an inner validation which strengthens your emotional foundation.
It's like finding a core in yourself which cannot fail you. That's the base of your being and your life.
Now, this "core" is already inside yourself. All you have to do is reconnect with it.
How do you do that? By shifting direction and using some inner resources that you might have rejected in the past.
Again, establishing this core of power happens simply by shifting directions in your mind. It's not something complicate. It's more like a realization which suddenly hits you.
The greatest obstacle for you finding happiness is not external. It's in you. It's called a comfort zone.
Right now, you are not happy but you are comfortable with a set of mind that you know very well. Shifting direction is definitely like heading to a new land: It's unknown.
Changing your "energy base" means as well saying: "Now I had enough of this inner "landscape" and I am going to do something about it".
Do you see the picture? You have a natural resource in you: it's called renewal power. Basically it is the power to change and evolve.
When you are repeating daily habits and simply doing what you always did, you are using the exact opposite power: preserving power.
Right now, you are standing between two forces: one which is crystallized in habit patterns and the other one which simply wants to move forward and evolve.
Renewal power is a refreshing stream of life force. This is what motivates the movement of the planets, the cycle of the seasons and your inner need to keep evolving.
Usually this renewal power is underused in a person's life. Why is that? Simply because there is a natural tendency to accumulate memories and past experiences. These accumulate in the form of layers in your mind and after a while the renewal power simply gets blocked. There is too much weight and resistance to move forward. Every single memory is like and anchor in the past which stops your from seeing the coming opportunities. You keep on feeding these past memories rather than connecting with your present and future potentials.
Take this example: You take off on a trip to Japan. The first time you get there, you only have a map and a couple of addresses. After a month, you have 10 rolls of pictures, postcards you sent, new addresses, desires, memories, experiences, etc.
You see the difference between the starting point and the end result? The starting point is a virgin space. There is still nothing in the landscape of your mind. After one month travel, you saturate. You want to go home. You have enough memories to last for a whole year.
If you decide to go again to Japan the following year, you will take with you new addresses and all the experience you gained the previous year. Now these past experiences might stop you from seeing new opportunities rising. Basically, your mind is already busy and set in terms of what you want to experience. That's fine if you are happy with your line of travel and evolution.
On the other hand, if you feel you are meeting the wrong people in that trip, it's time to shift your spirit and get a new travel plan. When you do that, you let go of past memories and actively create space in your mind to open up for new opportunities.
This creation of space is essential. You need free energy to receive the new.
That's a metaphor of what happens when you grow up as a human being.
You naturally tend to underuse your renewal power. Why? it's simply the way society functions: "Buy a car", "buy a house", "steady job", "stability", "security".
Renewal force says something different: they say: "go for it", "take risks", "shift", "change", "move on", "throw away", "do stuff you never did before", etc.
Can you see the difference of tone and energy?
This is a fundamental change!
Now, you can stay within the limits of what you already know or decide to go and explore new territories in your mind and tap into fresh resources.
Right now, you are isolated in your effort: basically, you carry all that on your shoulders. When you stop, everything stops.
What you do when you send me an email is reaching out. You tell me: "look, I have been doing that for a while and I don't seem to get anywhere. This is big time effort. What can I do?"
This move of reaching out is a risk. You take a risk and trust your instinct. You talk about the intimacy of your life to a perfect stranger but you go for it.
This "going for it" is exactly the kind of renewal power we are talking about. You explore a new land.
It is an essential move because what you say is: "I am in charge and I want to do something about it".
This exchange of emails is like a little stream of energy you build. The essence of this stream is renewal power. It's a regenerating force.
You send me a deep felt email and I take some time and energy to answer your email. What I do is I nurture this stream of renewal power. I feed it.
Now, the ball is on your side, you can let this fragile stream of renewal force simply die out or you can feed it further and make it grow.
To make it grow, you need to make a second shift in your mind: make this a priority. You see, what could happen now is that you get 10 emails in your inbox. The energy in this email I send could be dissipated between others. You might go for lots of other activities in your week and simply delay the answering of this email or altogether forget about it. You could simply get side tracked and forget about the original impulsion of why you sent an email in the first place.
The moment you sent an email, you planted a seed. Now you can let the seed die out or you can consciously feed it and water it so that it becomes a tree.
The truth is that this seed is in the garden of your mind amongst many other seeds. Maybe bills to pay, a birthday card to send to a friend, work to do, etc.
You see the challenge? You actually choose what comes first. Is it you? your mind? your happiness? or is it all sorts of other things which do not shift your core but simply keep on repeating an existing pattern.
You can obviously read between the lines that I would be honored and excited to work further with you.
You see, what I am sending you is a compliment. How are you taking this one? Do you think it is some form of trick or do you actually trust me? The truth is that I care. I would go out of my way, take a flight tomorrow to come to see you and help you. Why? First, because I care. Second because it is my job.
You see, I am ready to invest time, money and energy to help you. For this to work, you need to do the same: invest time, money and energy. It's a two way thing. If you think you are not worth it, that's fine, that's the message you send me out as well. You are simply saying: "I have other priorities right now"
You might feel I am being pushy here... I am! I am pushy and trying to sell you something. What I am trying to sell you is your own potential. This is not about coaching or a product. It is about something which is in you, which belongs to you. This is a window of opportunity and it is important. Make it your priority number one.
The choice is yours, always.
Respectfully
Francisco