This dilemma is VERY simple:
On one side you want love and a fulfilling relationship!
On the other side you want to protect yourself and avoid pain!
Here is another one:
COMMITMENT/FREEDOM DILEMMA
On one side you want commitment, emotional security and peace.
On the other side you want freedom, space, spontaneity and passion.
Here is another example:
EMOTIONAL SAFETY / UNSAFETY
When you are in a relationship, your partner might challenge you...
This is again the pain/pleasure dilemma.
Someone can physically or emotionally hurt you.
Imagine...
You are a woman. You are single and ok. You meet that guy. You like him.
Very early in your love story he starts being possessive and demanding.
He puts you under pressure, uses coercive power and threat to get you to do things his way.
Emotional threat! This is psychic pressure!
After experiencing similar abusive patterns a few times, you might consciously or subconsciously decide to be single because it feels safer.
A part of you wants love and relationship.
You want to experience romance and connection with someone who loves you BUT another part of you doesn't want to get hurt or be emotionally pressured.
You could find dozens of examples like this one where being in a relationship makes your life harder or more complicate.
When you engage in dating or relationships, you are always playing with these two types of opposite direction forces
Do you want deeper connection, intimacy, love, satisfaction in your relationships and dating life?
Practically, if you tend to sabotage your love life because intimacy feels like a risk what exactly can you do differently?
What are the core 2 or 3 behaviors, attitudes or mindsets that you would shift to get closer to someone.
What exactly do you need to do to stop sabotaging your love life?
Develop the skills to consciously design a relationship that feels safe, open and freeing.
Once you have a clear picture of what you want and have the skills to attract that type of connection the subconscious fears and sabotage stops because you know how to stay safe.
COMMITMENT / NON-COMMITMENT DILEMMA
Different people have different needs.
There isn't a single relationship model that works for everyone.
Find the relationship model that works for you and say YES to that.
I see different people being happy with very different relationship models.
All these models work but there is a specific one that will work especially well for you.
Usually your gut feeling already knows.
If you hesitate, the best way to find out which one is for you is to experiment, run some tests and discover in which scenarios you feel the happiest.
Who thrives in a committed relationship model?
Who thrives in a non-committed relationship model?
See the difference?
The fact that some people are happily married doesn't mean that you should too!
The fact that your best friend has multiple sex partners doesn't mean that this is what you should be doing either.
You can design your ideal relationship model according to your unique needs.
Test the waters!
This might take some time.
The day you get married, you might invest all your energy in it and realize 3 years later that marriage doesn't suit you.
You didn't know because you never tried.
Test it in depth before you give up!
Remember that each model has its own set of challenges.
Each model requires a specific set of skills.
If you look into this deeper, one of the reasons you might self sabotage your love life is because the model you are in doesn't really suit you.
You know there is another way of relating but you simply don't know how to embrace it yet.
SABOTAGE IS A DEFENCE MECHANISM
Imagine that you are about to go sailing on a ship with a friend.
It's a beautiful sailing boat.
You read the news and a hurricane will hit the coastline soon.
If you go sailing now you will get in trouble for sure.
A part of you wants to go sailing because of the excitement but another part of you knows that it's not safe.
Your friend pressures you to go but you instinctively know that you shouldn't.
The night before departing, you go to the boat and sabotage something so that it's impossible to go sailing the next morning.
Get the picture?
In this example, your sabotage strategy IS A POSITIVE DEFENCE MECHANISM that might save your life!
Self sabotage is a life tactic you sometimes apply to protect yourself.
I AM NOT READY
That's what you are really saying when you self sabotage your relationship or love life.
Something is missing:
- I don't trust it
- I want to keep my freedom
- I know there is someone else
- I am afraid
- I don't want to get hurt
- Etc.
I AM AFRAID
Let's take this example and understand how self sabotage can hold you back.
Suppose that the core emotion that triggers sabotage is fear.
This fear is triggered because years ago, you asked a guy out and he rejected you.
It happened once, years ago and you still feel it.
This "traumatic event" might trigger sabotage patterns.
Is this fear still useful?
Does it really help you or does it hold you back?
See the dynamics?
Holding to that fear holds you back!
Absolutely!
You want to replace fear by confidence and gain back trust in your dating life.
You regain trust by taking small steps.
Lots of them!
You see a challenge and do it anyway.
Every time you see something that stretches you a bit, instead of pulling back and hesitating, you take a step forward and cautiously go for it.
Small steps!
If you are challenged by the idea of intimacy for instance, you don't need to have one night stands with strangers.
Small steps!
Engage in light intimacy more frequently.
See how it works?
This is how you master your fears and increase your dating power.
CONCLUSION
Here are the core ideas we identified so far:
- Most of the sabotage has to do with avoiding pain or limitation of your freedom.
- Self sabotage can be a positive defence mechanism.
- Many of these self sabotage defence mechanisms might not be needed or be overused.
- If you tend to sabotage your love life, train new trust behaviors by taking small steps.
- You have various possible relationship models.
- Find out which relationship model is right for you.
Enjoy!