Right now I'm in a very bad situation. I want to let everyone know that I am fully aware that this relationship was a bad idea from the start, but I need advice on how to handle the problem I'm currently having.
I am 31 years old and I own my home and car. I enjoy living alone right now because I like my privacy and freedom. I am not at all interested in marriage at this time, only companionship. For the last year and a half I have been seeing an older, married man. He says he's very unhappy in his marriage but his wife has a number of health problems and can't take care of herself so he doesn't want to leave her, and I understand that. The relationship is great for me because I spend time with him but he's not around ALL the time, and he's definitely not pushing for marriage. Thus far it's just been a good relationship. We have good sex and enjoy talking and spending time together. It's not like he's lying about being married because I'm aware of it and it doesn't bother me, so other than just being wrong in most people's eyes it's not that big of an issue for me.
He does a lot of things for me as far as always making sure my dog has fresh water, mowing and trimming my lawn, always asking if I have enough money or if I need anything, and cooking meals for me often. I truly appreciate everything he does and I don't want to do anything to hurt his feelings. Here's the problem. I have a few male friends. If I ever have any of them over to visit he goes nuts and won't speak to me for several days. Nothing happens when they visit and I've even told him that he can join us if he wants but he insists that it's wrong. I keep reminding him that he's a married man and he can't even be seen with me in public but he doesn't care. I also try to explain that he always has someone to talk to at home and I'm always home by myself and get lonesome but he doesn't care about that either. I really have strong feelings for him and I don't know what to do. Sunday I had a male friend over and he hasn't called me since. I bumped into him tonight and we talked and he said that I treat him like sh*t. I told him that I love him and he said that I don't love him, I'm infatuated with him. I really don't think that's it. When I was a teenager I was infatuated with a few famous people, but I certainly don't think I'm infatuated with an old married man, not to sound cruel but I just don't think so. He says that if I cared about him that I wouldn't have other guys over. I could understand this statement if we were in an exclusive relationship, but I'll say again for the last time...he's married!
So I'm not quite sure how to handle this. Is he being unreasonable or am I? Should I break it off with him? If so, what would be a nicer way to put it that wouldn't hurt his feelings?
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Hi,
You are acting perfectly healthy. Having a friend over and even dating other guys is perfectly okay in your situation. He is not committed to you but he asks you to be committed to him. 100% wrong. He is crossing the line and wants to be possessive and controlling. He has no right over your life. That's that simple. If he comes around telling you what to do, he steals a basic human right from you: freedom of thought, action and behavior.
Your instinct is guiding you in the right direction. Seems you know the answer. Believe in it even more. Congratulations: you are 100% right with that.
How not to hurt him? When someone is showing control or being possessive, it is your right to defend your territory with whatever power you want to use. Right now, he is hurting you more than you are hurting him by limiting your space and freedom.
Good luck and stay in touch
vitalcoach