Sexual denial means practicing a certain style of sexual behavior and pretending you are not.
A more specific pattern is this one:
I see people sharing sensuality or having sex with various partners and pretending they are not.
The key element is that one:
Saying that you are monoamorous when in fact you practice polyamory.
What is monoamory?
It means romantically loving or having sex with just one partner.
If you had sex with more than one partner in the last month, unless it's really a clear break up between two separate relationships you are polyamorous.
Being polyamorous can be temporary or it can be permanent.
For instance in the course of a year you might have been monoamorous most of the time and experimented just for a month with multiple partners.
It's not one or the other.
You can shift between these two sexual behaviors.
You can as well pretend you are something that you are not.
People, especially women are a bit afraid of being labeled as sluts.
It's a big deal to be exposed as having multiple partners.
It can stigmatize you and marginalize you in your social circle.
In some cultures, having an affair with a lover even if your primary partner is ok with it might totally exclude you.
You might be heavily criticized or even punished by law.
In some parts of the world, adultery is punished by cruel death!
This stigmata is so present in society that you might not dare to expose yourself as polyamorous.
Instead you might lie about it, be in denial, cheat or betray your partners.
This creates shadow and lack of integrity.
The reason this happens is because you want to be perceived as monoamorous when in fact your behavior is polyamorous.
This creates an internal conflict that might reflect itself in your relationships.
A common shadow around this denial is you accusing others of polyamory, finger pointing or criticizing those who are sexually open when you are in fact doing the same.
Here are some examples of what I witnessed lately:
- Saying that you want a monoamorous relationship but sensually or sexually connecting with multiple lovers.
- Making out with 2 different partners the same night while saying that polyamory is not for you.
- Outrageously seducing, flirting or projecting your sexual energy in multiple directions while saying that what you want is a stable relationship.
- Having multiple lovers in a few weeks and pretending that you are not polyamorous because you broke up with the first one before having sex with the second one before breaking up again and going back to the first one.
- Saying that you are not polyamorous because you didn't have sex with these two lovers the same night.
- Blaming your ex for jumping too fast in new flirting games while going on dates with various potential lovers yourself.
- Saying that you don't understand why people are so open sexually while being very sexually outgoing yourself.
- Accusing a friend to be too sexually open publicly and doing the exact same thing a few days later.
- Blaming the opposite sex and saying it's all men or all women do that.
- Pretending to be naive and innocent when you are definitely not.
- Saying that you did it because someone seduced you or forced you into it when in fact you were totally willing and actively inviting it.
- Gossiping and criticizing others in your social circle while displaying the exact same behaviors yourself.
When your friends, lovers or primary partner witness these behaviors, they see a lie.
They see denial, lack of truth or integrity gap.
They see a fundamental difference between what you say you are and your actual behaviors.
You say you have a sexual preference but do the exact opposite.
This is not a blame, ok?
Life is way easier for everyone when you expose and accept your shadows.
The reason you might say that you are monoamorous while practicing polyamory is because you want to receive sexual gratification from more than one partner without getting blamed for it.
Why is that?
Because you like it!
Receiving love, sexual pleasure, sensual attention from multiple sources might give you way more pleasure, power, love and energy than getting it from just one source.
Imagine that you have been in this relationship for a few months and getting a bit sexually bored.
The urge to sexually explore wakes up and you simply follow your desire.
A part of you enjoys it while another part enters in shame mode.
When shame kicks in, one of the avoidance tactics is to blame or accuse others.
When shame kicks in, one of the avoidance tactics is to blame or accuse others.
When you accuse others you direct the social attention to them which gives you a break from being judged yourself.
If you accuse or blame others you release as well part of your self blame.
You might do that in a social circle or in the intimacy of your couple.
You might blame your lover for being too flirty with others while being sexually outgoing yourself.
This denial is a lie!
You pretend to be something that you are not.
There are many more reasons you might want to avoid the polyamory label:
- You feel ashamed.
- You want to be a good person.
- It you are exposed as polyamorous, it gives your lover permission to do the same.
- It creates energetic and emotional insecurity.
- It destroys your romantic fairy tale dream.
- You are afraid of judgment from your social circle.
- Your parents or family might blame you.
- In some extreme cases and cultures your life might be destroyed by it.
- It might put you in danger.
- You might lose your job.
- You might get lots of negative attention.
Sexual behaviors like adultery, cheating, one night stands, sex for lust, and many more alternative sexual behaviors are often heavily judged by society.
Of course, you might want to avoid the polyamory label when you see the negatives.
A part of you wants the more traditional couple mind set while another part wants to sexually explore.
This creates an inner conflict.
This is a sexual denial shadow.